The Void

Ever feel like you were born with something missing? No, I know, we’re only inclined to remember moments from our childhood beyond the age of 7. Everything else from before is either triggered or visually painted by photographs and stories that are told by word of mouth. But truly, have you ever caught yourself reflecting back on your journey here on Earth, and found that something has just always been missing? Whether it stems from the soul, your heart, your mind, your actions, your thoughts, or wherever that void may be, it’s been missing, and for quite some time now. I know personally, I’ve always felt this void. I could never really put my finger on it because it always came and left, similar to most events in my life. The missing void usually includes, impulsiveness, indecisiveness, random waves of intense emotions and more.

I went into depth with finding out what this void truly meant and where it stemmed from when I was a freshman in college. I was so eager to discover what were the vital steps in order to fill this void and no longer feel these factors that tagged along.

My first and only ‘boyfriend’, talk about a diamond in the rough. He was the first boy that ever gave me attention and showed interest in me. I couldn’t pass this up. He honestly wasn’t even that cute. To this day I’m still confused as to what I saw him, but man I saw something. Now you might be thinking, wow you just talk to anybody huh? Well that’s not necessarily the case. People who contain this void subconsciously try to fill it through people, by seeing all of their good and being blind to the bad. Whether it’s catering to their needs or putting them on this pedestal that only brings you down. I was his pedestal, and he was my rose. A rose with so many thorns, that regardless wherever I tried to touch, whether it was on the outside or beneath the surface where I fell for, it hurt me. He was beautiful, a beautiful disaster. He was broken. He filled my void, temporarily.

Sophomore year, where my purity made it’s escape. My virginity was gone and there was no looking back. I remember it like it was yesterday. I went through a river of emotions all at once and it had felt so surreal. Not just the physical aspect of it which I’ll get to in a bit, but emotionally as well. The rush of embedding my soul at it’s most vulnerable point, in the same rhythmic motion as his, pushed me over the edge, but in a good way. This feeling of being one with somebody for only moments, had felt like it lasted a life time. I didn’t want to stop .. as freakishly as that sounded. But damn were you good. My breaths began to get heavier throughout. Our lips were centimeters apart but would never lock, gripping onto the back of your neck as we celebrated our souls intertwining for their last few moments. Your legs wrapped around mine, us murmuring words that I know you didn’t mean, but I did. I felt the thorns again, you were a rose blossoming with every stroke, every touch and every second. I knew this wasn’t forever. I didn’t even know your last name. The banging on the door suddenly made all the emotions and the way I felt that there was nobody else in the world but us two, had finally made it’s escape. The void that finally felt filled and lifted, was now bigger and emptier than before. You left. So did I.

I think after this day my life had never been the same. Not to gas that your sex was the best I ever had, because man have I had better. But I discovered a new vice to temporarily fill my void. Sex. Sex with you, sex with him, sex with her, just sex. Whether it was minutes, whether it was hours, whether it was the dynamic of our platonic relationship, sex was temporarily filling my void and I didn’t know why. I remember contemplating whether or not it was a drug. Was I addicted? So many questions, and each time I impulsively decided to fill the void with this vice, the void became bigger and bigger and bigger.

Now I didn’t come here to tell you all that I’m some kind of sex-addict and I need help because I’m not. I know when I have a problem and this wasn’t it. It was temporary, similar to all my other vices I discovered. I’m now approaching as a senior in college and I’m still stuck with this void. But I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve realized, this void has made me who I am today. From the mistakes, the encounters, the stories, the moments, the lessons, this void has brought me to where I am and where I need to be. An advocator for peace of mind, and how in touch I am with my spiritual energy. The type of friend I am because I’m able to help heal others while I feel myself crumble daily, but find the courage to get back up and continue to live. Maybe one day my void will be filled. Who knows? I’m constantly reminding myself that I’m only 20 years-old, but is that really an excuse? My mind crosses from a human who’s lived so much life in such little time, to a human who is still abundantly absorbing so much knowledge, wisdom and life lessons. This void has made me, into me.

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